This is Me*

I wake up to another morning polluted with the noisy construction site next door. Slowly stirring my coffee cup, I turn on the TV set for the news update for yet another bloody day. I narrow my barely open eyes at the TV screen to learn that the full blast fighting has stopped. Naturally, I was expecting this to happen as a new era in the infamous white house is about to start. I sneer at the world I live in which is apparently ruled by the laws of wild life. In other words, "survival of the fittest" is the grand slogan for how we lead our lives today.

I flip through the channels to find another way to explain the world I live in, hoping for a brighter flowery picture. Massive massacres, amputated and headless bodies, destruction, blockades, refugees, executions, religious preaching, prejudice, financial crisis, severe unemployment, epidemics, pornography, scandals and entertainment cat fights (!)

I step into the active streets of the city of cities, mingle with my peers and surf the worldwide web. More disturbance clouds my mind as I constantly try to defy the gravity of live spoken, written and filmed accusations of…. Me.

"YOU people are responsible for our civil war…"

"YOU have started this whole mess so you’ve got to handle the consequences"

"Don’t YOU think that Islamic terrorism is a key global issue that has to be fought?"

"So YOU support resistance with an extremist agenda?!!"

"But don’t YOU think that dialogue and talks are better for YOU and the future generations?"

"Don’t YOU want to get married, have a dozen children and live happily ever after?"

Exhausted, I step back into my apartment and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

I am a practicing Muslim, but I do not impose my rules. I practice but I am not a terrorist. I am a veiled girl who tries to reach middle ground in a world torn between extremism and hypocrisy. I treat people the way I like to be treated back but I do not expect anything from anyone. I do not trust anyone a 100% but I do expect you to trust me. I maintain strong relationships but I forget whoever forgets me.

I am blamed for the problems societies have inflicted upon themselves but I am not ashamed. My identity is lost between a land I have never been to and a little meaningless black book; but I do not regret being who I am. I am a rebel who often breaks the rules but I maintain solid boundaries. I strive to keep an open mind but I also believe in all forms of resistance.

I dream about a "happily ever after" but I know for a fact that shit happens at the end of the day. I realize that hope should always be my drive but I do make mitigation plans.

I do not believe in endless love but I believe in mutual respect. I am a realist but I can also be an idealist. I am bold but I can be discreet. I am not pure but I have not sinned. I need cash but I hate capitalism. I believe in God but I ask questions. I am who I am because I chose to be me.

So, ask all your questions, make all your accusations and label me as much as you want.

It is simple… This is me.

Beirut
21.1.2009

*My friend Ayad allowed me to use the same title as one of his blog entries. His entry inspired me to write this.