I wake up to another morning polluted with the noisy construction site next door. Slowly stirring my coffee cup, I turn on the TV set for the news update for yet another bloody day. I narrow my barely open eyes at the TV screen to learn that the full blast fighting has stopped. Naturally, I was expecting this to happen as a new era in the infamous white house is about to start. I sneer at the world I live in which is apparently ruled by the laws of wild life. In other words, "survival of the fittest" is the grand slogan for how we lead our lives today.
I flip through the channels to find another way to explain the world I live in, hoping for a brighter flowery picture. Massive massacres, amputated and headless bodies, destruction, blockades, refugees, executions, religious preaching, prejudice, financial crisis, severe unemployment, epidemics, pornography, scandals and entertainment cat fights (!)
I step into the active streets of the city of cities, mingle with my peers and surf the worldwide web. More disturbance clouds my mind as I constantly try to defy the gravity of live spoken, written and filmed accusations of…. Me.
"YOU people are responsible for our civil war…"
"YOU have started this whole mess so you’ve got to handle the consequences"
"Don’t YOU think that Islamic terrorism is a key global issue that has to be fought?"
"So YOU support resistance with an extremist agenda?!!"
"But don’t YOU think that dialogue and talks are better for YOU and the future generations?"
"Don’t YOU want to get married, have a dozen children and live happily ever after?"
Exhausted, I step back into my apartment and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
I am a practicing Muslim, but I do not impose my rules. I practice but I am not a terrorist. I am a veiled girl who tries to reach middle ground in a world torn between extremism and hypocrisy. I treat people the way I like to be treated back but I do not expect anything from anyone. I do not trust anyone a 100% but I do expect you to trust me. I maintain strong relationships but I forget whoever forgets me.
I am blamed for the problems societies have inflicted upon themselves but I am not ashamed. My identity is lost between a land I have never been to and a little meaningless black book; but I do not regret being who I am. I am a rebel who often breaks the rules but I maintain solid boundaries. I strive to keep an open mind but I also believe in all forms of resistance.
I dream about a "happily ever after" but I know for a fact that shit happens at the end of the day. I realize that hope should always be my drive but I do make mitigation plans.
I do not believe in endless love but I believe in mutual respect. I am a realist but I can also be an idealist. I am bold but I can be discreet. I am not pure but I have not sinned. I need cash but I hate capitalism. I believe in God but I ask questions. I am who I am because I chose to be me.
So, ask all your questions, make all your accusations and label me as much as you want.
It is simple… This is me.
Beirut
21.1.2009
*My friend Ayad allowed me to use the same title as one of his blog entries. His entry inspired me to write this.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
The "Kebbeh" Jargon
I come back to the lunch table and look around me at the plates full of endless amounts of food, red juicy tomatoes and glossy green rocca leaves. Steaming slices of grilled mozzarella cheese and deep fried kebbeh are followed by tender white fish, fatty meat and chicken mashewe.
I take one minute off and hesitate as I take the first bite of a hummus filled chunk of pita bread thinking about my hungry and thirsty people in Gaza. I chew slowly and think of how ironic this life can be: we are sitting here enjoying all the food one can ever dream of while 1.5 million individuals sit a few hundred kilometers away dying slowly of hunger and thirst, if they’re not already dead from the heavy Israeli shelling.
I snap myself out of my own thoughts to find the almost obese hypocrite sitting opposite to me reaching out in every direction for food. While chewing viciously on a heavily stuffed piece of kebbeh, he starts proposing solutions to the Palestinian-Israeli conflict with chunks of meat and pine nuts flying out of his full mouth here and there. I look up, with daring eyes and listen:
“Hamas is wrong. They do not know how to weigh it. They shouldn’t have started”.
“Look at the Palestinians in the camps here! They are happy! They have passports!!”
This “kebbeh” jargon is topped up when he finally asserts:
“The best solution to this whole problem is to join the West Bank with Jordan and Gaza with Egypt and enough with this headache!!”
I have never met someone so unaware of our cause in such a long time. The only thing that I can say to this fat hypocrite and many others like him is this:
It is just because of a slight twist in fate my friend that you ended up here living in high end neighborhoods of “goat-land”. It is this twist in fate that gave you a lot of money and a posh lifestyle. Look closely at your little black book; it states that you are Palestinian. Unfortunately, it doesn’t state that you are human because you’re not. You do not know how it feels to live the life of a refugee in a camp with a meaningless black/brown/blue book. We are all so ignorant.
So, please, I beg you to go on stuffing your big mouth with the fat lumps of your meaty kebbeh and shut up (!).
Amman
11.1.09
I take one minute off and hesitate as I take the first bite of a hummus filled chunk of pita bread thinking about my hungry and thirsty people in Gaza. I chew slowly and think of how ironic this life can be: we are sitting here enjoying all the food one can ever dream of while 1.5 million individuals sit a few hundred kilometers away dying slowly of hunger and thirst, if they’re not already dead from the heavy Israeli shelling.
I snap myself out of my own thoughts to find the almost obese hypocrite sitting opposite to me reaching out in every direction for food. While chewing viciously on a heavily stuffed piece of kebbeh, he starts proposing solutions to the Palestinian-Israeli conflict with chunks of meat and pine nuts flying out of his full mouth here and there. I look up, with daring eyes and listen:
“Hamas is wrong. They do not know how to weigh it. They shouldn’t have started”.
“Look at the Palestinians in the camps here! They are happy! They have passports!!”
This “kebbeh” jargon is topped up when he finally asserts:
“The best solution to this whole problem is to join the West Bank with Jordan and Gaza with Egypt and enough with this headache!!”
I have never met someone so unaware of our cause in such a long time. The only thing that I can say to this fat hypocrite and many others like him is this:
It is just because of a slight twist in fate my friend that you ended up here living in high end neighborhoods of “goat-land”. It is this twist in fate that gave you a lot of money and a posh lifestyle. Look closely at your little black book; it states that you are Palestinian. Unfortunately, it doesn’t state that you are human because you’re not. You do not know how it feels to live the life of a refugee in a camp with a meaningless black/brown/blue book. We are all so ignorant.
So, please, I beg you to go on stuffing your big mouth with the fat lumps of your meaty kebbeh and shut up (!).
Amman
11.1.09
Saturday, January 10, 2009
The New Middle East
With the increasing death toll and blood shed in Gaza, Palestine, we have all noticed a parallel increase in protests, riots and strikes condemning the merciless massacres. Every human being, who has a slight sense of humanity left in him/her, has stepped outside of their house, shop, office or even car to shout out in anger calling for yet another Zionist campaign against Palestinian civilians to stop. The difference this time though, is that the international angry response to this indescribable atrocity has climbed distinctly up the scale to higher levels. It is probably due to the fact that Israel was solely responsible for a similar war two year ago (Lebanon 2006). Yet, it is also the fact that 1.5 million Palestinians are trapped in a surrounded patch of land and are being bombarded everyday with no where safe to take refuge in. These people have had no electricity, no water and no food for 18 months and now they have no security.
As an individual with a great sense of humanity and a Palestinian whose sense of belonging to the holly land never faltered, I stepped out of my house and joined a small protest camp a few kilometers away from the shameful Israeli embassy in Amman, Jordan. Set up by a group of independent individuals, with tents, pictures and paintings donated by independent artists, the camp demonstrated some of the vocal public anger in Jordan. Similar to other protests, people gathered everyday to chant, sing and share ideas and experiences. Of course, this is not wrong. It is a way to express fury, mixed feelings and a certain point of view. However, for a week I got a sense of the general approach in the country. This attitude was signified in a set of questions and sarcastic statements like: “So what did you accomplish so far?”; “What are your impossible demands?” and “You will not be able to achieve anything! So why should we waste our time!” These are usually coupled with the general fear of the stupid secret service (mukhabarat) agents who swarm the country and contaminate every corner.
So, I got to thinking: what is it that we really want and seek to achieve through these public anger gatherings?
Logically, there are some immediate answers. In this case, there are some countries that have open diplomatic ties with the Zionist entity and hence the public tries with vocal pressure to demand an end to such ties (closing down embassies; posing a gas embargo etc.). Another counter is to spread public awareness and remind the general society of the cause any protest is organized for. It is a pity that the world needs to witness the death of more than 800 civilians to remember a 60 year old cause (!). So far, and especially in this part of the world, such public expressions have rarely, if never, established a new order. Hence, and unfortunately, people in general, have lost faith in such activities and have settled for the television screen to watch the daily anguish over a steaming cup of sweet tea. And hence we hear: “This is not our problem”; “We cannot do anything”; “We have children so we remain silent”.
In reality, there remains to be a huge gap between the Arab populations and their governments. As the British army referred to the Middle East when colonialism came to an end: “We have seen people without leaders.” Besides the gap, the general scheme among Arab leaders is to stick to their power positions until death parts them from the decision making spot. Thus, and since they realize the nature of the Arab streets (i.e. angry, emotional and verbal), they use their coercion powers through special bodies to keep the street silent by force. In fact, force continues to be used to silence Arab populations even in peaceful protests and demonstrations. So, we realize that vocal and public display of anger and stands towards a case is good to shed light on it and remind those who forgot but is not enough to start spinning the wheel of change.
Not long ago, Condoleezza Rice spoke of a new Middle East. For her country’s agenda, this would include many factors: change the geographical map once and for all; displace all Palestinians and give them an alternative piece of land; secure Israel and aid in its expansion; control more resources etc. It might even include eradicating all Palestinians in the region (Since “A good Palestinian is a dead Palestinian” as put by one of the Zionist founders of Israel).
For us, the cycle of change for our new Middle East must start with each one of us. The whole world has witnessed some kind of war, be it civil or international, throughout history. However, the key difference between us and the rest of the world, specifically the developed one, is that change has occurred after those historical catastrophes. Other populations have moved forward, have altered their mode of thinking in a way that resulted in a developed world. Leaderships spring from populations and hence the cycle of change will come from us, the people and not the governments. We are very well educated, we have introduced all forms of technology into our world and we have open access to the rest of the world.
The only thing that is left here is for each one of us to start with him/her self. Many preach the world on how things should be done politically, socially or religiously while they themselves do not know half of what they are preaching about. It is our duty towards us, our families, friends, the next generations and the Arab world to educate ourselves. We need to learn, read and remember every detail of the past and present to plan for the future. It is with knowledge that populations rise, fight and eventually win. I might not see it; neither would the next generation see it. It takes time. So be it.
A few years ago we were talking about Palestine. Recently we started talking about the West Bank and Gaza strip. Now we are talking about Gaza solely. Let’s read, learn and spread the word so we remember the original Palestine and plan for our own new Middle East.
Amman
10.1.2009
As an individual with a great sense of humanity and a Palestinian whose sense of belonging to the holly land never faltered, I stepped out of my house and joined a small protest camp a few kilometers away from the shameful Israeli embassy in Amman, Jordan. Set up by a group of independent individuals, with tents, pictures and paintings donated by independent artists, the camp demonstrated some of the vocal public anger in Jordan. Similar to other protests, people gathered everyday to chant, sing and share ideas and experiences. Of course, this is not wrong. It is a way to express fury, mixed feelings and a certain point of view. However, for a week I got a sense of the general approach in the country. This attitude was signified in a set of questions and sarcastic statements like: “So what did you accomplish so far?”; “What are your impossible demands?” and “You will not be able to achieve anything! So why should we waste our time!” These are usually coupled with the general fear of the stupid secret service (mukhabarat) agents who swarm the country and contaminate every corner.
So, I got to thinking: what is it that we really want and seek to achieve through these public anger gatherings?
Logically, there are some immediate answers. In this case, there are some countries that have open diplomatic ties with the Zionist entity and hence the public tries with vocal pressure to demand an end to such ties (closing down embassies; posing a gas embargo etc.). Another counter is to spread public awareness and remind the general society of the cause any protest is organized for. It is a pity that the world needs to witness the death of more than 800 civilians to remember a 60 year old cause (!). So far, and especially in this part of the world, such public expressions have rarely, if never, established a new order. Hence, and unfortunately, people in general, have lost faith in such activities and have settled for the television screen to watch the daily anguish over a steaming cup of sweet tea. And hence we hear: “This is not our problem”; “We cannot do anything”; “We have children so we remain silent”.
In reality, there remains to be a huge gap between the Arab populations and their governments. As the British army referred to the Middle East when colonialism came to an end: “We have seen people without leaders.” Besides the gap, the general scheme among Arab leaders is to stick to their power positions until death parts them from the decision making spot. Thus, and since they realize the nature of the Arab streets (i.e. angry, emotional and verbal), they use their coercion powers through special bodies to keep the street silent by force. In fact, force continues to be used to silence Arab populations even in peaceful protests and demonstrations. So, we realize that vocal and public display of anger and stands towards a case is good to shed light on it and remind those who forgot but is not enough to start spinning the wheel of change.
Not long ago, Condoleezza Rice spoke of a new Middle East. For her country’s agenda, this would include many factors: change the geographical map once and for all; displace all Palestinians and give them an alternative piece of land; secure Israel and aid in its expansion; control more resources etc. It might even include eradicating all Palestinians in the region (Since “A good Palestinian is a dead Palestinian” as put by one of the Zionist founders of Israel).
For us, the cycle of change for our new Middle East must start with each one of us. The whole world has witnessed some kind of war, be it civil or international, throughout history. However, the key difference between us and the rest of the world, specifically the developed one, is that change has occurred after those historical catastrophes. Other populations have moved forward, have altered their mode of thinking in a way that resulted in a developed world. Leaderships spring from populations and hence the cycle of change will come from us, the people and not the governments. We are very well educated, we have introduced all forms of technology into our world and we have open access to the rest of the world.
The only thing that is left here is for each one of us to start with him/her self. Many preach the world on how things should be done politically, socially or religiously while they themselves do not know half of what they are preaching about. It is our duty towards us, our families, friends, the next generations and the Arab world to educate ourselves. We need to learn, read and remember every detail of the past and present to plan for the future. It is with knowledge that populations rise, fight and eventually win. I might not see it; neither would the next generation see it. It takes time. So be it.
A few years ago we were talking about Palestine. Recently we started talking about the West Bank and Gaza strip. Now we are talking about Gaza solely. Let’s read, learn and spread the word so we remember the original Palestine and plan for our own new Middle East.
Amman
10.1.2009
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Keep on Walking..
It is finally the last day of a year. Another year has passed filled with experiences, archived photos and endless memories. I walk through the empty university campus, with all the sweet memories rushing back to me from every corner.
Fighting against the chilly wind, I stop by the newspaper guy, Abu Ahmed, who has been my daily morning friend for six years of school. We exchange greetings and naturally political news. I've been always fascinated at how easy it's been for me to share thoughts and emotions with Abu Ahmed. He senses my depression and sorrow for how 2008 has come to a bloody end with the mass killings of my people a few hundred kilometers away.
Abu Ahmed listens intently to my confused and ever tangled thoughts; looks at me with his gentle dark brown eyes and says: "You are here my dear because you know deep inside that there is a very small illuminated gap with the light of hope coming out of it. You wake up every day and you walk towards that light. You my dear are the future. God is great. He promised himself and human kind that He will eventually lift injustice. So all you have to do is to keep on walking.."
With that, we exchange goodbyes and I keep on walking to start another year with hope for rich experiences, colorful photos and irreplaceable memories.
Beirut
1.1.2009
Fighting against the chilly wind, I stop by the newspaper guy, Abu Ahmed, who has been my daily morning friend for six years of school. We exchange greetings and naturally political news. I've been always fascinated at how easy it's been for me to share thoughts and emotions with Abu Ahmed. He senses my depression and sorrow for how 2008 has come to a bloody end with the mass killings of my people a few hundred kilometers away.
Abu Ahmed listens intently to my confused and ever tangled thoughts; looks at me with his gentle dark brown eyes and says: "You are here my dear because you know deep inside that there is a very small illuminated gap with the light of hope coming out of it. You wake up every day and you walk towards that light. You my dear are the future. God is great. He promised himself and human kind that He will eventually lift injustice. So all you have to do is to keep on walking.."
With that, we exchange goodbyes and I keep on walking to start another year with hope for rich experiences, colorful photos and irreplaceable memories.
Beirut
1.1.2009
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